dealing with staring - part of Blogging Against Disablism Day

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this post is part of Blogging Against Disablism Day  it is the  first one  of two

 

while staring is a debatable form of discrimination it can affect anybody with any sort of visible disability or condition. So that's why I decided to post this as part of Blogging Against Disablism Day   I wrote this article a while ago when I was much younger however  it's one of the first times I put my feelings about having a disability on paper (or on the computer in my case) I hope that some people find the way that  I deal with this issue useful

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Since I was very young I have had to deal with people staring at me. This seems to be a common problem amongst people with disabilities. As I have grown my way of dealing with this problem has changed. When I was younger it would upset me and make me feel very self-conscious. Now I have grown to realize that people do not stare out of spite and they are not intentionally trying to be rude but they may not have seen a person in a wheelchair before. It is just human nature to look and wonder about someone who is different. Sometimes people stare because they admire the fact that you are able to be mobile and productive in spite of your disability. For example; I am a very energetic and happy go lucky person and I have been told several times, at my college, by people who see me in the halls and are amazed at my ability to move around the campus with such a positive attitude.

If you are a disabled person who finds someone staring at you, and it really drives you nuts, turn to the person, smile, and or say hello. This serves two purposes, first it wakes the person up and lets them know that they are staring at you and, it brakes the ice easing the atmosphere for both you and the other person.

 

Comments

[shy tortise]

the trouble with being disabled and staring you dont make many friends. these are important when you are new to being disabled. They look at the surface and your face but not your soul and what you can bring to a friendship. Why are holiday camps in the middle of nowhere they are ashamed. it is not as bad as those poor children in instutuions in east european countries now that is anti disableism day

shytortise ooh

[kari]

Yes when my son was born I was not used to the staring factor. I didn't really know how to handle it effectively and positively. I have learned a lot in the past four years and I do find if I smile and say hello it does just what you said. Wakes them up! Often like they didn't realize they were even doing it. It has broken the Ice and started up many positive conversations :)

[Kathryn]

Great post. I feel slightly more aggressive when I see people staring at Ellie and I usually glare back at them or say, "Hey it's rude to stare?" But I think your way is better than using anger. And it allows the starers their humanity as well. I am glad I read your post. I am going to try to just say a nice hello next time that happens. ;)

[Aidan (RADAR)]

Hi Rudy,

Interesting post. A friend of mine who uses a wheelchair and cannot speak or sign has his own way of dealing with people who stare at him: he'll make the most horrible face he can at them, which usually leads to me bursting out laughing and the person walking away thinking we're both mad. One of these days we'll both get into trouble!

[seahorse]

Rudy what a beautifully simple solution. And one that spreads optimism and friendliness. I like it!

[seahorse]

Rudy what a beautifully simple solution. And one that spreads optimism and friendliness. I like it!

[Sara]

Ah, good advice. And when I am Good Sara, I do just what you say and usually have good results.

When I am Bad Sara, though -- and she only comes out for this context when people are not just staring but actively scowling at me -- I usually say something like, "That's right, honey, take a good long look." Then I smile saccharinely and go about my business.

[Terri]

I like your attitude. When my kids were much younger we were in a store parking lot and I was putting away groceries and did not realize that my son was staring at a man who was using some sort of crane mechanism to put his wheelchair into his van. The man yelled at my son--not knowing that we try to be a pretty disability-aware family, that my son has his own invisible disability (which makes some social norms not as fluent--especially when he was younger)and, frankly, that my son was really only interested in the crane anyway...

A friendly conversation would have told the man as much about my son as it would have my son about the man--and would have given me the chance to do some social coaching. Instead there was embarrassment, anger and my son just wept. So instead of a lesson about 'people feel funny when they think you are staring at them' it became a 'some people are mean' lesson... I would have preferred the former.

[Gina]

I love your attitude about this. One of the things that bothers me most about my disability is the staring. Thanks.

[treadmarkz]

Great advice at the end, that does serve one well just to say hello and let them know you are not a "freak" or whatever thought may be spinning around the person's mind. But we have to find a way to kind of break away from this thing about it being "amazing" that we are able to keep a positive attitude even though we are disabled.

[Norm]

Great website. Australians must be different. Adults do not stare, you find that you have become invisible. Sometimes you catch them looking when they think you cannot see them. It is the children who stare which is probably a good thing because they are learning. And they will come up and ask questions. (Q. "How do you turn?" A. "Like a tank.") The downside of being invisible is that I am continuously saying "excuse me" to get through but "mind your toes" is much more effective. So visit Australia and only some kids will stare at you.